Girl, no man is worth lowering your standards…I’m speaking from experience Pt. 2

(Let me insert a trigger warning here. Domestic violence and abuse will be discussed.)

Alright, so where were we? Ah yes, I had just found out I was pregnant.

After telling the new guy that it was best we called it quits, I awaited a phone call from the ex who, I eventually found out, was serving time in the local jail for some sort of violent charge.

He had began to consistently call to beg for forgiveness, so I knew it was only a matter of time before my phone rang, and it was him.

It took everything in me to utter the words, “I’m pregnant,” to him.

Then, he responded excitedly, “So that means we’re getting back together?”

Uhhhhh I guess.

Was this the relationship I dreamed of? Nope.

Was this the potential “baby daddy” I hoped for? Nah unn.

Did I ever imagine having a child out of wedlock with a man I barely even liked? Helllllll naw to the naw naw naw.

Yet, here I was, knocked up by a man who couldn’t even have lunch when he wanted to due to his “living” situation at the time.

A few months went by before he was released, and I allowed him to move into my apartment in attempts to become a family.

I had an older coworker who I discussed my concerns with, and she convinced me that I was in his life for a reason, and this was God’s plan.

So, I was ready to put in the work to change him, mold him, make him into the man and future father I wanted him to be.

I was soft, trusting and patient.

He was angry, cheating and lying.

But I stayed.

My college friends threw me a baby shower around the 7 month mark.

He was upset because I took photos with everyone else, while he stood scowling in a corner. He was mad at me because he chose to have a phone conversation while I opened gifts. He was angry because my friends loved on me and my unborn child. That night, he screamed at me so much I cried.

When I was being induced a few months later, both my mother and the ex were allowed in the room. As I took a bathroom break, the doctor asked Ex if he was the father to be. To which he responded, “I guess so.”

As you can imagine, it was uphill from there – just kidding.

As I struggled with what to do with a new baby and recovering from a C-Section, he spent most of his time playing video games with a woman he was having a virtual relationship with.

Fed up one evening, after asking for his help on numerous occasions, I unplugged the Wi-Fi. He in turn punched holes in the wall and door.

My phone trapped outside of the bedroom with him, I was scared for my safety and the safety of my newborn son who was now screaming as his father yelled and banged on the other side of the door.

I logged into FB on the computer, messaged a friend and asked him to call 9-1-1 for me.

Police arrived, talked to the both of us and made him leave for the night.

 The next day, he came back and apologized.

My needs continued to go unmet, while he convinced me to open credit cards in my name to buy him video game consoles and televisions. My almost brand-new car and my income became ours.

I was living in fear, but I had to make it work for the sake of my family. I mean, all the moments weren’t bad. We had some good times. We laughed together sometimes. But when I look back, it was mostly because I was living in silence, going along with whatever he wanted.  

Eventually we relocated back to Connecticut to live with my parents for help, guidance and honestly, some protection.

Or so I thought.

The abuse continued. The cheating continued. The lying continued.

In a matter of months, I had lost so much of my light…But I had to make it work…Ya’ know…for the family…This was God’s plan, so I had to stick it out, and that’s exactly what I planned to do.

Alright we’ll stop here…See y’all next week.

If you're feeling overwhelmed, you're not alone. Support from a therapist can help you navigate these emotions and find practical ways to care for yourself. The clinicians at New Chapter Counseling Services specialize in supporting women through life transitions, pregnancy, postpartum, and everyday mental health challenges.