Girl, no man is worth lowering your standards…I’m speaking from experience Pt. 3

(Let me insert a trigger warning here. Domestic violence and abuse will be discussed.)

As previously mentioned, my light was not shining anymore.

Between my ex cheating on me with his friend’s sister, not “allowing” me to shop for myself, calling me ugly and judging my hygiene habits (which were not an issue), I was merely a shell of what I was before him.

I always said if I didn’t start the relationship with such high esteem of myself, there’s no telling where I would be.

At some point, I began to fight back – physically. When he put hands on me, I tapped into my karate background and fought back. I hated who I had become and eventually chose peace after a few altercations.

As hard as it was, I began to let him argue with his self. And when he got physical, I took it. I remember being bruised, choked, and items were thrown at me.

Somewhere in between the abuse and forcing me to have sexual relations with him, I became pregnant with my second daughter. This time, his response was very different from the first time around. He wanted me to get an abortion. I refused.

Unfortunately, this pregnancy led to much weight gain, and my esteem took another nose dive.

He reminded me often that I disgusted him.

About a year went by, when a cousin encouraged me to get into plus-size modeling. To my surprise, I was chosen as a model for one of the biggest fashion shows in Connecticut.

I decided to lean into my newfound talent and got more gigs as a print and runway model for designers and shows in the tristate area. People were complimenting me, and being chosen brought my confidence back.

Meanwhile, he was getting angrier.

He began to accuse me of cheating with everyone from photographers to the disabled high-school  student at my church.

I was even accused of sleeping with my cousin during a family vacation.

There was always a sense of jealousy coming from him – whether it was despising my education, family, upbringing or life before him. Now, the fact that I was getting more attention than him made him even more insecure. But for me, those insecurities came in the form of anger and abuse.

From 2009 to 2015, I dealt with this pain. I always tell people in unhealthy relationships that it takes a certain strength to stay and a certain strength to leave – neither action makes you weak. It just took me 6 years before the last straw broke the camels back.

During one of his angry rants, he punched me – in the face- fracturing my jawbone. As badly as I wanted to fight back in the moment, I couldn’t. Pain shot through the left side of my face and a teardrop of blood dripped down my cheek. I called the police, and sat with my parents as we awaited their arrival.

After questioning the two of us, one officer told me she saw right through his lies, and they filed a restraining order on my behalf.

Of course, I questioned what I did to deserve this. Of course, I blamed myself for a moment or two. Of course, I cried. But I knew this had to be the beginning of the end for our relationship.

Parenting while separated proved its own challenges. And the divorce was another story. (If you ever have to go through this – which I hope you don’t- never turn down the alimony).

But I knew I had to go - my kids were watching me. I knew I deserved better. I knew that entire relationship should’ve never happened. But settling put me in a position I should’ve never been in to start.

Alright, we will wrap this alllllll the way up next week.

If you're feeling overwhelmed, you're not alone. Support from a therapist can help you navigate these emotions and find practical ways to care for yourself. The clinicians at New Chapter Counseling Services specialize in supporting women through life transitions, pregnancy, postpartum, and everyday mental health challenges.