How to deal with difficult family members

Goodness gracious. Let’s talk about ’em. Might as well, because we all have them. Well, maybe not all of us, but if you don’t – consider yourself lucky.

Those difficult family members.

You know, the ones who always argue about something, complain about something else and judge whatever it is you’re doing. They are draining. They are stressful. They are annoying!

 And if you’re a new mom – let’s not even imagine the pressure their words, actions and eyerolls can put on you.

So, what can you do to deal with these, um, characters in your life?

First, let’s think about who you may be up against.

There’s the critic: They have something to say about everything – your job, your house, your parenting, your clothes. And it’s never something good, always negative. They are attempting to bring you down and make you second guess your decisions.

Then, there’s the manipulator: Oh, they specialize in guilt trips. They point the finger at you because it’s always your fault. Orrrrrrrr, they use that sweet baby voice and charm to persuade you to be on their side. They have mastered the art of pushing their hidden agendas and making you fall for it before you can even realize it’s happening.

My least favorite is the victim: They are always the target. Never to be held accountable – it’s always someone else’s fault. And they can usually cry on command. The family must always protect or rescue them because they are just so helpless.

The “silent movie”: This one speaks for itself. Very passive-aggressive, very avoiding, very abusive. The silent treatment can make you feel anxious or nervous and create unspoken tension.

The “I run this”: This is the controller, super overbearing and knows what’s best for everyone. It’s their way or the highway. Either you fall in line, or you get the anger and attitude.

And ew, the narcissist: It’s all about them. Self-centered, no empathy, no understanding, but thinks they reign supreme over everyone else. Usually putting other people down and draining the energy from the room.

Lastly, there’s the drama queen/king: Similar to the aforementioned, they are the movie’s main character - in their minds. They thrive on creating conflict and feel the need to make everything about them. They always need to be the center of attention.  

Sooooo, which one are you dealing with? And girl, if you’re dealing with more than one, “may the odds be ever in your favor.”

Now that we’ve figured that out, let’s get to how we deal with them.

Set boundaries: First, figure out what you are ok with and your non-negotiables especially when it comes to space, time and support. Communicate them clearly and strongly. This works for all versions of difficult.  

Stay grounded and aware: Know that some of these folks are going to try to bait you into arguments to make you look like the unhinged one. Stay in your place of peace and be aware of these situations. Works best for drama kings/queens, manipulators and narcissists.  

Don’t try to “fix” them: Girl, you are not Captain Save-A-Critic (you thought I was going to say something else, huh?). It is not your job or responsibility to try to correct the behaviors of a grown person. Know who they are, accept all of them as is and categorize them accordingly.

Keep track of triggers: If you know talking about their son who fell off the wagon is going to make them go on a rampage against you, try to avoid those sensitive conversations. It’s not worth it. This is for the victims and critics.  

Choose your battles: While we’re talking about what’s worth it, ask yourself before engaging, “Is this worth my energy? What is there to gain from this fight?” If it’s not, let it go! Rated E for everyone.

“I” statements: I know it’s hard when the other person is clearly to blame but bring it back to you. “I feel hurt when you…” instead of “You hurt me when you…” may be received a little differently. Key word: May. For the critics and victims.

Who all gone be there?: Ask ahead of time, prep yourself for the interaction. Get your mind right and not be surprised by their attendance at the same event. But don’t let them keep you away from somewhere you want to be. Yup, prep for everyone on the list.

On the other hand, stay away: If it’s something you don’t mind missing, protect your peace. Politely decline the invitation and begin to create a healthy balance between your peace and your family obligations. Best for the ones who will disrupt you – narcissists, dramatics and manipulators.

Try therapy or mediation: I mean, if they are willing, it’s worth a shot if you value the relationship. You can gauge who this may work for.  

Um, you can try active listening: If the family member can talk without offending or attacking, try to hear them out and try to understand where they are coming from. Narcissists and dramatics love to be heard.  

Put you first: This is the most important. Remember who you are. Keep your boundaries as a priority. Don’t shrink yourself to make anyone else feel more superior. And most importantly, remember you can’t control others, but you can control how you respond to them.

If you're feeling overwhelmed, you're not alone. Support from a therapist can help you navigate these emotions and find practical ways to care for yourself. The clinicians at New Chapter Counseling Services specialize in supporting women through life transitions, pregnancy, postpartum, and everyday mental health challenges.