You have permission to say no

‍The My Face Still Hurts From Smiling album by Lizzo quickly became one of my favs. Not just for the great beats and fun lyrics, but because it started with what would quickly become my mantra for life.

‍She sings in perfect harmony, “It’s okay to have opinions. It’s okay to get offended. Won’t invalidate your feelings. I’m just choosing not to listen. Protect your peace. ’Cause it’s that deep.”

‍I just turned 42 last Fall, and for a good chunk of my adulthood, I struggled with setting boundaries. I felt guilty for saying no. I felt guilty for not being there. I felt guilty for standing up for myself. Therefore, I was constantly in a state of doing things I didn’t want to do, saying yes to stuff I didn’t agree with and allowing people to take advantage of me. ‍

It wasn’t until I started seeing my own therapist in 2020, that I learned to say no and stand on business.

Do you want to…NO.

Can you…NO.

Will you…NO.

It took a while to get to this point, but I had to train my brain to learn that “no” is a complete sentence. It doesn’t need a reason, a PowerPoint presentation or shame (self-inflicted or brought on by others) attached to it. Simply “no,” sometimes a “no thank you” if I’m feeling polite. Then, on the other side of that, possibly a “h*ll no,” if I’m feeling spicy.

But either way, it’s a no from me, and as most of us have learned, no means no.

I stopped letting people (and myself) guilt trip or shame me into removing my boundaries after I’ve put much effort into protecting my peace and establishing my morals.

This change, however, didn’t happen overnight, and I still occasionally give in to some people – but I’ve learned how to recognize the difference between pushing myself and/or stepping out of my comfort zone and actually pouring from an empty cup or not advocating for self.

If I can’t do it, or I don’t want to do it, I’ll be quick to tell them, “I ain’t got it,” whether “it” refers to time, capacity, energy or will.

I also realized that I was bending over backwards for people who weren’t there for me when I needed support. I noticed that most people who called my phone, only called to ask for a favor. Conversations literally started with “Hey, are you busy? Can you…” instead of “Hey, how are you doing?”

I’ve even had moments when people would call, and my response to how are you would be, “I’m not feeling well,” or “I’m in pain.” Their response? “Oh ok, I need help with…”

It sounds sad, but that was my life for a long time, and each time, I’d be sure to follow through and complete whatever task was asked of me.

But all of that changed in 2020, when my therapist asked one simple question. “Why are you doing it?”

My response, “Because I have to.”

“Do you? If you don’t do it, what will happen? They’ll figure it out or get someone else to do it, right?”

Well I’ll be damned. C’mon light bulb moment. You mean there are other people who can help?

It was so simple once she put it that way, but me – the college educated woman – couldn’t put those pieces together on her own.

Since then, I’ve changed my ringtone to a sound that reminds me to say “no” as soon as my phone rings. (It’s “NO” by Shameia Crawford in case you were wondering.)

But it hasn’t all been great, because of course when people are used to using you or you submitting to them, the new you can cause some issues. They may treat you differently or they may disappear altogether.

But trust me sis, it’s not you, it’s them.

So set those boundaries, protect your peace and say no to anything that doesn’t bring you joy or requires you to shrink.