Ways to Stop Comparing Your Life to Everyone Else's
It’s been said a million and one times before that comparison is the thief of joy. If you’ve never heard it before, I have no clue where you’ve been – maybe under a rock.
As a woman in my 40s, who’s had to start her life over many times, and in the process of readjusting again, I can’t help but play a game of “Spot the Difference” with the lives of others.
I’ll admit, I get jealous of women who found the love of their lives in high school, got married, started successful careers and had babies. They built a life together, their kids are being raised by both mom and dad, they stay at their workplace long enough to consider retirement packages, they travel, drive nice cars oh and they can afford small luxuries like eyelash appointments and mani-pedis. It’s all picture-perfect.
I on the other hand, didn’t have such a straight path, and in all honesty, I still don’t even know my destination. I dated in high school, but nothing serious. In college, I thought I found my soul mate, but when I moved to get a job after graduation, he quickly decided that long-distance relationships don’t work for him. My career path of choice was supposed to be journalism. When swapping from pre-med to liberal arts, I told my mom I could become the next Oprah Winfrey – a journalist with her own talk show, building an empire over the next 20 years. Big dreams. Little did I know, journalism would die and the Oprah we knew from television would slowly fade into the background over the next few years later to sit back as a billionaire with her talk show in the past and a television network and magazine under her belt.
I had plans to live a good life – with an attractive husband, beautiful kids that we take to Disney at least once a year, nice modern house, and a reliable car. In my dreams, I didn’t live check to check, making tough decisions between fun, self-care and bills. I mean, I do have beautiful kids, and my husband can be attractive when he cleans up. But life and my life choices kicked my butt, I went off track, and now I’m struggling to get things back in order.
Oprah 2.0 is out the window since the internet has taken over. Everyone and anyone has a platform to deliver the news (whether it’s the truth or not), most people don’t watch talk shows, and I’m sitting on a very expensive degree that doesn’t mean much to many employers.
And what do I do throw more salt in my wounds? I look at social media, I look around at my friend group, and then I look at me. I look at their clothes, their cars, their hair and nails and their trips, then I look at me. I feel regret, stupidity and jealousy. I know I should stop but it’s easier said than done. I have, however, taken some steps that have drastically reduced the amount of times I compare. So let me share…
1. I remember that I don’t know everything about their “perfect” lives. Of course, people share the good, but rarely do we see it all. What they are willing to show has been carefully curated. So, I remind myself that I shouldn’t compare when I don’t have all the information.
2. I am actually successful according to me. I had to look at what was most important and what I deemed success. My kids are great, intelligent, responsible and caring. I have great friends. I love God, and I don’t look like what I’ve been through. What does a fulfilling life look like to me? My success doesn’t have to impress you, as long as I am happy.
3. I avoid comparison triggers. For me, it’s those super organized moms on IG who do restock videos, keep the house clean, work 40+ hours a week and prep 5-course meals for their family every day. Yup, blocked!
4. I’m not behind, I’m on my own time. I ain’t racing you, and you shouldn’t be racing me. There are no awards for getting there first.
5. I can show gratitude, be thankful, and still want more. I can be grateful for what I have, but I can also want change. So that means I value what’s present instead of focusing on what I don’t have.
6. I try turning jealousy into motivation. When I notice feelings of jealousy, I try to think about why I feel that way. I’m not envious of my friend who makes a living as an artist. I actually just want her courage and confidence to live on my own terms like she does. Now, I’m taking accountability for my actions and working on me, and I’m still able to celebrate my friends.
8. I’ve realized my definition of success has changed. When I was younger, success meant money, cars and designer clothes. However, success at this big age is now happiness, health and peace – and, that I have plenty of.
In short, your life doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s to be good. Comparisons steal time and take the attention off the life we are actually living. Instead of constantly dwelling on the life we should have, focus on the good in the life you currently have. I promise you, it’ll make a world of difference. You don’t have to catch up to anyone sis. This is your race. You are your own competition. This is your book, your story and your chapter.
If you're feeling overwhelmed, you're not alone. Support from a therapist can help you navigate these emotions and find practical ways to care for yourself. The clinicians at New Chapter Counseling Services specialize in supporting women through life transitions, pregnancy, postpartum, and everyday mental health challenges.