Should we actually live an independent life?

I can guarantee we have all said it at one point or another – “I’m a strong, independent woman.”

It’s been the topic of songs from Destiny’s Child “Independent Women” to Webbie’s “Independent.”

“I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T do you know what that means?”

A few of the dictionary definitions of independent are “not subject to control by others,” “not requiring or relying on something else or others,” and “not looking to others for one’s opinions or for guidance in conduct.”

I know we wear independence as a badge of honor, but should we really? I know we’re grown, strong and all that other jazz…but even as an adult, there are moments I call on my mother, girlfriends or family for help, advice and correction. It’s not necessarily a matter of control, being weak or looking to others for acceptance, but I view it as another perspective, a source of knowledge – maybe even some constructive criticism.

Does that mean I’ll always take the advice of others or do what they say? No, but what it does mean is that I can value someone else’s opinion or see from their point of view without getting offended or feeling less than.

For instance, a few months ago, I had a large cut of salmon that I had intentions of slicing, wrapping and freezing. Unfortunately, I let it sit for a few days in the fridge (due to pure laziness and procrastination). When I opened it, it looked funny and smelled, ummm, interesting for lack of a better word.

I called my mother to ask her what to do with it? But when she said throw it away, my pockets cried. I spent $40 on this salmon, and you want me to do what with it? Nahhhh, I’m gone cook it and see what happens.

So me being hard-headed, I rinsed it, seasoned it and popped it in the oven.

Big mistake. Big. Huge.

About 15 minutes into cooking, a smell came over the house. Not “mmmmm that smells delicious,” but a WTF is that odor?!! smell.

It was a mix of dumpster, smelly socks and gym locker. It was absolutely rank.

Now, had I listened to my mother, we wouldn’t have been sitting in the house gagging and dealing with that smell for days. But I just knew better, and I wanted to be independent.

Deep down, I knew the salmon went bad. Deep down, I knew I shouldn’t have cooked it. But I also felt like I knew better. I’m a grown woman, and nobody is going to tell me what to do with the food that I purchased. Not my mom, not Google, not even ChatGPT.

Now, let me preach to you for a minute, a lot of us get into stinky situations because we don’t want to listen, because we think we know better. You can’t tell me what to do because I’m grown, when in fact, there are people out there who may actually know better. Sometimes we use independence as a crutch to make bad decisions, then, we look back and say, “If only someone told me.” When, in reality, someone possibly did try to tell you, but because you were grown and took sound advice as someone policing you, you made a wrong turn.   

Having trusted sources in your life, who you don’t have to question and know they won’t lead you down the wrong path is important in your life. Going to them in moments when you’re confused, on the fence or need help isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s a sign of being loved, valued and cared for.

My goal as a parent is to teach my children how to balance independence with a sprinkle of dependence. I want them to know I am here for sound advice, help when needed and hugs when they are down. I want them to know they aren’t alone in this big scary world. Mommy is here, if you can’t figure it out on your own - but try to do it yourself, first.

So ladies, being independent is cool and all, but we don’t have to do it all on our own, all the time. Let’s stop having the “it’s cool, I got it” attitude, and let’s call on help, assistance and advice when we need it – whether it’s mental, physical or financial. Don’t let proving your independence be the death of you.

If you're feeling overwhelmed, you're not alone. Support from a therapist can help you navigate these emotions and find practical ways to care for yourself. The clinicians at New Chapter Counseling Services specialize in supporting women through life transitions, pregnancy, postpartum, and everyday mental health challenges.