People will fail you - Be your own source of happiness

Question, what is your source of happiness? If it’s not you, sit down, let’s talk.

So often we find ourselves giving control of our emotions to other people or our circumstances. Whether it’s a spouse, kids, parents or supervisors – we give them the remote with fresh batteries, and they very quickly learn the cheat codes to manipulate you and cause misery, frustration or anger.

Sometimes, they’ll press up, up, down, down until you’re happy but happiness quickly fades when they disappoint you in some manner. And trust me humans, are bound to disappoint.

I mean, people are people, and they can only do so much – but the bigger picture here is that you can’t control others.

That’s why you must take the reins of what you can – your own emotions.

I remember being in CVS a while ago, and a book title caught my eye.

“People Can’t Drive You Crazy If You Don’t Give Them the Keys.” Although the title was pretty much self-explanatory, I bought it home anyway. It was a good read, but I probably could’ve gotten everything I needed from the title itself.

Well, I got the advice, but did I actually follow it? Of course not!

Almost once a month, I found myself arguing with my “baby daddy” (that term makes my teeth itch, but he isn’t a father, sooooo…), and I went back and forth with my mom, husband and even my kids more often than I wanted to. I realized I was being manipulated and played, and I was allowing them to drive my feelings.

Fast forward about 5 years later, I don’t argue with that man because now I realize he’s the original rage baiter. And as for my family, I set boundaries, stopped disputing their beliefs and quit feeding into the guilt trips. I took back the keys to my own happiness. I had to have a serious talk with myself, and ask me, “how can you make you happy?”

1. I date myself. I stopped waiting on other people to do the things I wanted to do. I want to go to a concert? I’m going. I want to eat out? I’m eating. I waited my whole life to become an adult, and I still wasn’t using my free will to its full advantage. In the words of Beyonce, “I’m a grown woman. I do whatever I want.”

2. I figured out what makes me happy. If it’s hanging out more with friends, reorganizing my to-do list, putting that ish on (wearing what I want), procrastinating (just a little) and avoiding certain people, that’s exactly what I do.

3. In alignment with number 2, I began to protect my peace. Are you coming here just to try to kill my vibe? No ma’am. Exit stage left. I will blankly stare at you and say “OK” – even if I don’t agree to what you’re saying just to get you out of my face.

4. I don’t argue with the reality of others. If that’s what you want to believe, fine by me. I don’t care if it’s stupid, false or just plain crazy. You go ahead and knock yourself out. I’ll be over here happy and unbothered.

5. I don’t respond to every problem immediately. If I want to save you, I’ll come do so on my time. Key words – if I want to save you. Those guilt trips and manipulation tactics won’t work anymore.

6. I stopped having expectations for others. If I’m not waiting on better, I can’t be disappointed when better doesn’t come. Less sad, less mad, more smiles and more joy.

7. I learned to enjoy myself without needing other folks around. I don’t need an audience to be happy, nor do I need approval to do it. So, while you’re worried about what everyone else thinks, I’m in my corner having fun.

8. I take care of my body. I’ve realized working out in cute clothes, doing my nails, or putting on a little makeup here and there has made a heck of a difference in my dopamine levels.

9. I depend on me. Something needs to be fixed? Watch a YouTube video and DIY it. Need to go somewhere? Drive myself. Need car repairs? I find my own mechanic. People forget, don’t have time or they just break promises – I’ve stopped waiting on them to make me a priority, and I made myself one.

10. I twerk – maybe in private, maybe in public, maybe in my head during stressful moments. Either way, channeling my inner care-free black girl reminds me that I’m free to be me. I keep it cute and appropriate – so don’t worry, you won’t see me outside in the school pickup line with my hands on my knees.

When you start living with a slight sense of reckless abandonment, things turn around, and you’ll find yourself thinking, “Damn, I actually like my life.”

I’m not saying issues won’t come, someone won’t irritate you, and problems won’t arise, but what I am saying is that it’s perfectly fine to not let people or life’s situations drain your beautiful energy. You are a goddess with a light that should not be dimmed. Dwell in those pockets of joy and shine on sis.

If you're feeling overwhelmed, you're not alone. Support from a therapist can help you navigate these emotions and find practical ways to care for yourself. The clinicians at New Chapter Counseling Services specialize in supporting women through life transitions, pregnancy, postpartum, and everyday mental health challenges.