Dealing with grief when hugs aren’t enough

My brother died May 1, 2020. My father died May 5, 2020. Two deaths in 4 days. Due to Covid complications. I am writing this blog on May 5, 2026. I didn’t want to go here. I didn’t want to talk about it. I hate thinking about it. And yet, here I am, sitting at my computer, staring at my screen and not being able to think about anything else but death and how I’m dealing with grief.

I mean I guess it does get easier with time, but the emotions get triggered at the most random moments. A song, a television show, a scent. I’ve even been grocery shopping and saw older gentlemen that reminded me of my dad and had a complete breakdown in the snack aisle.

Instead of the sadness being a constant, it comes in waves – especially on the death dates. The time is now 2:43 p.m. I’ve cried only once. I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing. Admittedly, I push the thoughts deep down and try to forget. I know, I know, it’s the unhealthiest way to deal with it.

So, if you’re here reading this – that probably means, that like me, you are dealing with loss – and I’m sorry. Sorry you must learn to cope without a loved one. Sorry that you’ve cried so many tears. Sorry that you must deal with this pain.

However, I’m here to help both of us. Let’s talk about some ways to cope with grief.

1. Embrace the messiness
Despite everyone pretending grief comes in neat “stages,” it doesn’t. One day you’re functional, next day you’re crying randomly. That’s not you failing. That’s your brain trying to process something huge.

2. Stop trying to “handle it well”
There’s no gold star for being the composed one. If you need to cry, be quiet, be angry, or just feel weirdly numb, that all counts as processing.

3. Give your body basic care (yes, I know, boring)
Sleep, food, water. Grief hits physically, not just emotionally. You don’t need to become a wellness influencer, just keep yourself from running on fumes.

4. Talk… but to the right people
Some people are great at showing up. Others will say things like “everything happens for a reason” and make you want to scream into a pillow. Choose wisely. Even one safe person helps.

5. Keep a small routine
Not a full “new you” lifestyle overhaul. Just something steady. Coffee in the morning, a short walk, a show you watch. Routine gives your brain a place to land when everything else feels unstable.

6. Let memories exist without fighting them
You don’t have to avoid thinking about the person or situation you lost. Remembering hurts, but it also keeps connection alive in a different form. Both things can be true at once.

7. Don’t rush the timeline
Anyone implying you should be “over it” by now is deeply misinformed. Grief doesn’t expire. It changes shape over time, but it doesn’t vanish because the calendar said so.

8. Consider support that isn’t just your circle
A therapist or grief counselor can help untangle things when your thoughts start looping. It’s not dramatic, it’s practical.

9.Acknowledge and express feelings

Don’t suppress your grief, express it. Journal, write poetry or songs, paint, just be creative.

10.Prepare for triggers

Like I said, anything can make you remember your loved one. Prep for this best you can. Like, I know I need to avoid the stores once Fathers’ Day rolls around.

11.Avoid using substances

Avoid using alcohol, drugs, or smoking to numb the pain. It’s an extremely temporary fix, and may lead to more harm than good in the long run.

12.Find new hobby or rediscover an old one

 Reconnect with hobbies, volunteering, or activities that bring comfort or distraction.

13.Allow laughter and joy

Remember it’s OK to laugh. Your loved one wouldn’t want you moping through life. Enjoy the moments, be happy, smile. You have my permission.

14. Major decisions are a no go during grieving

Avoid making big life changes (e.g., moving, job changes) shortly after a loss. You may not be thinking straight. Life may seem like it’s the worst, but give it time.

And if you’re specifically dealing with the loss of a baby, I hope this helps:

1. Your grief is valid, no matter when or how it happened
Miscarriage, stillbirth, infant loss. People love to rank grief like it’s a competition. Ignore that. You lost your baby. That’s enough.

2. Your body is grieving too
Hormones shift, your body may still feel like it’s supposed to be caring for a baby that isn’t there. That can intensify everything – sadness, anger, emptiness, etc.

3. The “what ifs” will show up
What if I did something differently, what if I noticed sooner, what if. Your brain will try to solve an unsolvable situation. Gently remind yourself that responsibility and control are not the same thing.

4. People will say the wrong things
“Everything happens for a reason,” “you can try again,” “at least…”
All deeply unhelpful. You’re allowed to set boundaries or just mentally file those comments under not useful, try again later.

5. Create a way to honor your baby
Some people name their baby, keep ultrasound photos, write letters, light candles on certain dates, wear jewelry, plant something. It’s OK to acknowledge that your baby existed and mattered.

6. Let yourself grieve at your own pace
There’s no timeline here. You don’t “get over” this. You learn how to carry it. Some days it will feel lighter, some days it will hit just as hard as the beginning.

7. You don’t have to do this alone
Support groups for pregnancy or infant loss can be surprisingly helpful because you’re around people who get it without explanations. Therapy can also help you process the layers that friends and family might not understand.

Hopefully this helps. But, in the meanwhile, I’m sending you virtual hugs.

If you're feeling overwhelmed, you're not alone. Support from a therapist can help you navigate these emotions and find practical ways to care for yourself. The clinicians at New Chapter Counseling Services specialize in supporting women through life transitions, pregnancy, postpartum, and everyday mental health challenges