7 tips for being the “strong friend” who needs support

.20 When You’re the Strong Friend Who Needs Support

Being the strong friend of your crew may seem like a badge of honor, but honestly, it’s a little bit of a scheme (created by Todd – IYKYK). By trying to be helpful, you accidently got promoted to unpaid therapist, emotional support human and crisis manager. You are the person everyone calls when their proverbial ish hits the fan. But how many people do you have on your team that will check on you?

It’s an awesome system – right? Just kidding.

So, here’s what we can do to correct that a little.

1.  First, let’s take some accountability.

You are not the “strong one,” you are the one who learned to function – mostly alone - while struggling. But did you know that handling everything alone eventually turns into burnout, resentment, or that silent “I hate everybody” attitude. Let’s not do that, sis. Renounce that throne immediately.

2.  Don’t wait for people to notice you need a hug.

They won’t. They won’t read the room. They won’t pay attention, and they won’t read between the lines.  If they are always used to you showing up as the listener and the fixer, they will always assume you got it under control. Tell them when you need help or support. Ask them for a venting session where you talk, or tell them when you are not OK. It might feel uncomfortable, but do it anyway.

3.  Choose the real ones to speak to.

There are friends, and there are associates. Not everyone deserves access to your vulnerable side. Choose your closest friends to open up to. Look for those who won’t minimize your feelings, won’t “me too” you and take over the conversation, or tell everyone else your business. You have your fun friend, the party friend and the safe friend…categorize and govern yourself accordingly.

4.  Know your capabilities and capacity.

If you don’t have the space, mental energy or emotional ability to be supportive, let people know. You are not a 24/7 helpline, and friends should understand that. Use phrases like “I can’t hold space for this right now,” or “I care but I’m overwhelmed right now.” It’s not you being mean, it’s you not risking losing your cool on your bestie because you have your own things going on.

5.  Loose yourself.

Just because you are used to be the put together friend who is always there when others need you, doesn’t mean you have to be packaged with a pretty bow all the time. When you need to express your feelings, cry, vent, be confused, or ask for reassurance. None of the aforementioned makes you weak – it makes you human.

6.  Don’t let it become quiet resentment.

If you don’t set boundaries, and find that safe friend, you may find yourself thinking “no one shows up for me” or “I’m always there for everyone else.” It’s not overthinking or you being extra – you have a need that requires attention. Don’t ignore it because it won’t go away, it may actually start showing up in other areas of life. Make sure you build your village with the right people and protect it.

7.  Get support that isn’t your friends.

If your circle consists of all folks who need you to constantly be the strong one, you may need to find an outside safe space (and maybe reevaluate your friend circle). Find a place where you don’t always have to be “on” like therapy or support groups. This isn’t a shameless plug for New Chapter. Although we’d love for you to come to us, find the spot that works best for you.

Remember you can be strong and supported – it’s not one or the other. And if your friend group has convinced you that you always have to be strong, please find at least one emotionally intelligent person that can be your landing pad. It can be hard but it’s not impossible.

But if you don’t take away anything else from this, please keep this in your pocket…

Don’t feel like you have to earn care by being the one who never needs it.

If you're feeling overwhelmed, you're not alone. Support from a therapist can help you navigate these emotions and find practical ways to care for yourself. The clinicians at New Chapter Counseling Services specialize in supporting women through life transitions, pregnancy, postpartum, and everyday mental health challenges.